Horoscopes

Aries: There will be an opportunity for gain, perhaps financial. It's up to you if you want to pursue it, but if you don't start paying rent we're kicking you out of the house

Pictured: A man is looking at a wanted poster for exotic dancers. Also posted are the following: a picture of a cat's face with the caption "racist cat" and several pullaway tags that just say "ye"; a picture of dentures with "Pizza?" written on it, as well as the phone number 867 5309; and a piece of paper with the text "to be fair, you need a high IQ to understand Θώθ"

Taurus: You will eat two pizzas and vomit on a cat. The cat is a metaphor, but the vomit is entirely literal.

Pictured: A cat as staring at a peperoni pizza on a coffee table. The cat seems vaguely worried

Gemini: You have 24 hours to turn this kindergarten class into a winning basketball team, or the mafia will kill you

Pictured: A young woman in a sombrero is surrounded by waist-high children. One is crying, two are arguing, one is standing behind the woman and looks like the girl from The Ring, one is running with scissors, and the last one is just looking at us with a smile

Cancer: You aren't sure who to side with because you are a limp-wristed coward

Pictured: Two women are arguing. One is blonde and brawny, and the other is thin with blue hair and has teeth so big she could literally bite someone's head off. A third person is standing in the background with limp wrists and a look of fear and looks literally exactly like you (if you are a Cancer).

Leo: Hatred eats away. Will you ever forgive?

Woman sits in an office chair holding a large knife. She is smiling, but radiates an aura of unimaginable rage

Virgo: Nothing awaits you. Leave forever

Pictured: A skeleton wearing a wide-brimmed hat is staring directly at you

Libra: Eternal

Pictured: A crab is carrying a severed human arm across the ocean floor. An eel swims above.

Scorpio: Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри Умри

A man is tied to a chair being beaten to death with a shoe. In the background are distorted mouths, laughing

Sagittarius: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

Pictured: A horrible creature is on the ground. It has no skin. It has no hands, the bones where they used to be attached are visible. It has no legs below the knee. Its muscle fibers are beginning to fray, and some fibers branch out and end with glowing yellow particles. Its head is a giant eye wrapped in fibers, with multiple smaller eyes peeking through.

Capricorn: (The text consists of a phrase from the Voynich Manuscript, plus dots and lines in a pattern from which meaning could never be derived)

Pictured: A bloated creature the size of a mountain is creaming in an orange fog. Its four eyes are bleeding a black, oily fluid. From its mouth comes a bright green serpent several miles long. At the front is a small pair of arms and the head of an old bearded man, but green

Aquarius: Nu shoos! Lookin nice!!!

Pictured: A naked humanoid is floating through a tunnel with some epic high-top sneakers. Its face is indescribable.

Pisces: Feel the rainbow.

Pictured: A black spiral on a grey background.